Rob Gee's conference poems
We live in the Midlands
And we’ve come out in the middle
Except at smoking, at which we’re pretty abysmal
We’re getting fatter faster
And our lifestyles are more stressful
And if we’re to take the economics out of illness
We have to link up at local level
So if you’re feeling rough and life’s got you licked,
If you’re down in the dumps or Tom and Dick,
If your hypomania’s doing the work of the Lord,
Or your hypercondriasis is giving you jip;
There’s a chance you might benefit from the new white paper
I can’t remember what it’s called,
But it’s got the word ‘Health’ in it
A principle goal is early intervention
We all know prevention is better than cure.
A stitch in time can save several hundred
And if you stitch enough times,
You’ll save hundreds more.
We need to talk upwards and downwards in all the right areas
And recognise that we share the same agendas
So we can improve wellbeing right across the board
And plug some of those gaps through which people fall
So they have the opportunity
To have fun in their communities
Which are stronger and more prosperous
And also full of greenery
Because there is a correlation between your level of activity
And a decent environment outdoors
People don’t exercise because their GP’s told them to
People do these things because it’s fun to play
And cardiovascular exercise is a side effect you pick up along the way
So from heart disease to diabetes
Depending on your priorities
Art can be used within the spectrum of health
To improve your understanding of your condition and yourself
The marketing principles of product, price, place and promotion
Can be used altruistically for the benefit of the nation
Advice on sexual health can be offered by healthy schools
Because young boys don’t go to family planning as a rule
Theatre and education can help parents talk to their kids
And kids talk to their parents
Both parties want the freedom to talk about what matters
So bring them together sort of makes sense
Employers can help by looking after the mental health of their employees
And offering a resource
To improve levels of happiness and wellbeing
Before, during and after divorce
So could we have a plan in place for the benefit of the nation?
Or is this the remnants of the post war dream
That my parents gibber on about when they’ve not had their medication
Who gets to decide who loses and who benefits?
And what goes out of the window when you streamline a budget?
Can we address the stigma expounded in the media?
Will there be clear lines of accountability
And can all our agencies work together?
It takes more than medicine to rid the world of illness
Because confidence is healthy and enthusiasm is infectious
Is it really Our Health Our Care Our Say
Or is it someone else’s?
We deserve a service in the Midlands
That’s middle or second to none
So we can take control of our lives and futures
And I can live longer without becoming a nun
THE HENRY VIII GUIDE TO STDs
Gonorrhoea is a small boat you punt around Venice
It’s also a disease that causes inflammation of the pelvis
And if it goes undetected the simple danger is
That you could become infertile
But it’s easily treatable, so don’t give up hope
And it does look quite pretty under a microscope
Chlamydia is similar
And now a lot more common
She’s also a heroine in the silent movies
And a costly cocktail that’s drunk by yuppies
And now we’ll turn to Hepatitis -
- the Roman god of sharing
He should have got immunised but he left it too late
And was forced to live with a liver that felt like a pancake
Herpes is a small town in Belgium famous for its soufflé
It’s also a small painful cluster of sores
That are highly infectious and don’t have a cure
So don’t drop your guard or get slack in the sack
Because just like Madonna, it can always make a comeback
Syphilis was the blue rinsed sweetheart of Percy Sugden in Coronation Street
It’s also a bacterial infection
As recommended by Al Capone and John F Kennedy
Your heart and central nervous system don’t get any greater
Although you might land a part in 28 Weeks Later
Genital warts
Was a commander in the Napoleonic Wars
As lumps of skin they’re infectious and can reoccur too
Bernard Manning once had one
But it had him removed
It’s not nice to be riddled with lice
which a difficult puzzle you get in The Guardian
they’re also insects that itch like a son of a bitch
although their treatable with lotion
You can shave yourself all over as an extra precaution
But you might look like the last chicken in Morrisons
HIVs are often known to irritate drivers
By blocking both lanes of a dual carriageway
Full blown aids help non-swimmers stay afloat
And if you don’t believe a word that I say,
Believe this: that all these love bugs are here to stay
And once you’ve infected it’s a bit late for sorry
So look after yourself and put on a Johnny